CPR
by AidanPryde001
Summary: What's this you say? New rules for Nerv? Better brush up on your first aid, cause this one might not save you! Read at your own risk! Oh, and remember to wear sunscreen.


-1Disclaimer" Well, you should know that by now, I own the chair you are sitting in. I want procedes. Every time you sit down. I don't own Eva though.

"Father! STOP THIS GODDAMNED THING! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

And, as the saying goes, Gendo smirked, while the Third screamed like a little girl, the former with hands laced in front of a zinc covered nose… wait. What?

CPR

AidanPryde001

An Evangelion short story… sorta.

* * *

The vice-commander of the world's last hope against the enigmatic Angles walked at a pace much too hurried for normal on his way to a meeting with his superior.

"Gendo is going to be, well, pissed is a term I would like to use more often around here." With a sigh, Fuyutski found himself at the commander's door. Steeling himself against any possible occurrence, the graying man gently rapt his knuckles on the large oak doors leading to the dark room.

"Enter." Simple. Low. Menacing. And Fuyutski almost crapped himself. No matter how many times he was summoned before the Commander, he always hated these little rendezvous. They always made the commander cranky. A cranky Commander does not a half-day make. Deciding that any more delay would cause said half-day to vanish faster than the Yebisu in the cafeteria, Kozo grasped the large brass handle on the door and lightly pushed. Then pushed a little harder, seeing that his previous attempt at entry just didn't have the 'umpf' needed.

Finally clearing the large wooden door, Kozo was plunged into blackness when the retractors brought the frames back to their resting place.

"Damn those things," He whispered to himself. Yet another thing he would never get used to. Steeling himself for war, he strode directly out toward the only light source in the large, tomb-like office; the Commander's PSP.

"He's at it again!" Fuyutski almost let that one out louder than the rest. No matter how many times he said it, Commander Ikari would never beat his son's Counterstrike score. It was almost sad how totally, OBSESSED, he was about the whole thing. Many times, Nerv personnel would pass him in the hall and report hearing strange mutterings of "No way that winy little bitch could do it!", and so forth. Turns out, the Commander did NOT like to be second on the server, if you know what I mean. But I digress, and switch back to proper narrative.

Kozo cleared his throat, noticing that this was one of those times where not even the call of Adam could get him to stir without some stimulus.

Screaming suddenly, Gendo stood with such ferocity, and flung the offending object to the far corner of the office where, instead of plastic hitting marble, the sound of plastic crunching on plastic could be heard. Quite loudly, at that. The PSP ended up in the "graveyard of offending objects", among many of his fallen brothers and friends of other electronic persuasions.

"Fucking Camper! No wonder he's such a winy little bitch. I would never raise a camper!"

Kozo sighed again. Might as well get this little fiasco of a meeting over with.

"Sir, the UN general inspectors just stopped by. They had some very, well, interesting things to discuss with you in particular that I thought I should warn you about."

Now that got the Commander's attention. He quickly stood up from his post-PSP-chuck-stoop and whirled on the poor Vice-commander.

"Fuyutski, how many times do I have to tell you, when those little shits come knocking, you tell them we have no weapons of mass destruction, show them the pretty lakes in the GeoFront, and once they leave, kill them and replace them with our own loyal clone troopers to spy on the crazy old men! God, is it so hard for you to get?"

Again, Fuyutski thought about how much the son of the Commander was known to wine and bitch, and couldn't help but notice the apple didn't fall that far from the tree.

Inhaling the fumes of pure self-absorbed loathing in the room, Kozo proceeded to tell the grim tale of recent UN facility regulation A21-46.

Yes _that_ regulation A21-46. Needless to say, the Commander responded the way any megalomaniac would. He proceeded to call in his most trusted lackey steward, pulled his SIG 229 from his shoulder holster, and emptied the weapon into the poor boy.

"WHAAAAT!!!" Also, he let out a blood-curdling girly scream.

Staring at his Vice Commander for any hint that he might possibly be playing an awful prank on his one-time student, Gendo shook with the post-murder adrenalin. Sadly, or not so sadly, depending on your point of view, Kozo just stared right back.

And they kept on staring.

Finally, the poor little bastard that earned a full new lead coat courtesy of Gendo, decided that he might try to live, and let out a gasping breath.

The gaze of both of the men shifted to the bloody mass of flesh on the floor, slightly illuminated by the tree of life relief making him look like some kind of a roast beast at Christmas. Fuyutski decided to test the waters.

"Now's as good a time as any to try out your CPR."

Gendo just glared at his former professor. "I'd much rather just stomp on his chest, and skip the breath part."

"Getting you to comply with this new regulation is going to be hell on the staff."

After Gendo finished said stomping on his former lackey, he grunted and motioned for Kozo to show him the documentation. The professor brandished the manila folder from his back and held out the document.

Gendo took it, opened the folder, and stared for a good five minutes. He didn't blink, just kept staring at the contents of the folder like they held the answer to all of life's questions. Like, why is a mouse when it spins?

Going this long without _some_ kind of reaction was not normal. Usually, many objects or persons were harmed anywhere from ten seconds to three minutes after the Commander received anything he did not approve of. Kozo was worried. When he finally worked up the nerve to do something to gain the Commander's attention, Gendo grunted, shook his head and grumbled, "It's too damn dark in here! I can't see a thing!"

With the lights on at a comfortable level, around the surface of a white sandy beach on a hot, clear summer's day, the Commander was seated at his desk and carefully leafing through the cursed manila from hell.

"UN Regulation A21-46:

Announcement to all UN bases and affiliated organizations.

This is an announcement for the management in charge of our interests and operations both foreign and domestic. Due to a recent safety hazard around our affiliates in Nevada, U.S., certain safety protocols have been deemed necessary and proper and will be in effect the moment this regulation A21-46 is opened and read.

From this moment forward, all of our bases and affiliated bases equipped with water exercise and recreational areas must have a complete staff of Red Cross certified life guards and managers, to supplement the current base medical staff.

Failure to comply with regulation A21-46 will result in UN sanctions of the highest degree, and full funding disruption by said organizations' sponsors. Also, direct military involvement with security council forces will result for lack of compliance with regulations.

In order to ensure that regulation A21-46 is practiced, a special team of experts will arrive at each and every one of our bases and affiliated organizations within the week. The UN council is confident that regulation A21-46 and its experts will be treated with professionalism and decorum.

Again, failure to comply with the new regulation A21-46 will result in **severe consequences. **

Thank you for your time and attention.

UN Security Socialism Response and Civilian Council Committee Program."

"What the hell was that shit?"

To say that Gendo was pissed would not be accurate. He was actually confused and slightly impressed. Anyone who could possess the influence to have the regulations board change it's acronym to the USSR CCCP and still have the twisted mind to write the A21-46 regulation was a genus. An evil genus, but still a genus. And an evil genus was just what Gendo wanted. But sadly, this is where any hopes for Gendo's little theme park in his mind came to a screeching halt. Anyone that evil would probably already be involved in his own quest for god-like power.

Somewhere in a secret base in Canada, SEELE number 10 sneezed with enough force to slam his head against the mahogany desk on which he was writing his memoirs. Said memoirs were subsequently smeared with ink and a little bit of blood from the man's head, thus erasing any and all hopes for a simplified answer to perpetual energy. However, again I digress and revert back to the original plot.

"Fuyutski, when did we receive this order?" Gendo's voice sounded very distant at that sudden declaration. Finally, after making sure his undergarments were still clean, Lord only knows how, the vice commander answered.

"Well, uh Gendo, you know that little fiasco with that last Angel and all, and the blackout that mysteriously occurred right before it?"

Gendo made a motion for Kozo to continue.

"Well, it kind of arrived… five days ago." And he promptly fell into a defensive wuss posture. You know, the curl-up-into-a-ball-while-covering-your-head-in-fear-while standing-on-one-foot wuss ball. Gendo barely has time to register the amount of pain he would have to inflict upon his subordinate when the massive oak doors were shook to their hinges. The two men stood to face the portal with shock and apprehension on both of their faces, when the doors shook once more.

With a final crash, the massive oak entryway was sent sailing over the two commanders' heads and in strode five beings that would make even an Angel shake in its skin. The leader, a skinny tan kid of about 18, with long wavy bleached out hair from the sun alone, and green eyes made his way to the middle of the room.

He stopped, fixed the two older men with an emerald gaze, and broke into a sun searing smile. The office instantly transformed form the dark foreboding pit of hell Gendo loved, to the sunny beaches of Southern California. Needless to say, both of the older gentlemen looked like they were struck by an out of control Renault on a busy highway. But to put the cherry on top, the icing on the cake, was when the kid opened his mouth.

Rivers ran red with the blood of innocents and prepubescent girls all swooned where ever they were, when the tanned lanky beast, or kid, said, "YO! I'm Mike and you dudes are in for a wild summer! Me and the rest of the gang here are gonna make sure that you little dudes be safe around the pool equipment. I can't wait to start training some new guards!"

It only took Gendo a few seconds to recover, before the situation fully made sense in his frazzled mind.

"Wait. Train new guards? Who are the rest of you?"

The now bright office gave way to three rather attractive young women and another lanky tanned So Cal kid, who waved and as one said, "We're the new Nerv Pool management! I hope that you guys are ready for some fun on the sun!"

Gendo just broke down right there, not even bothering to think things through or try to get himself out of the situation, while Kozo made on final statement before he succumbed to a third stroke in as many months, "Sun? But the pool here is indoors."

To be Continued...


End file.
